Let’s face it—we’ve all heard the phrase “you need to set boundaries.” But somewhere along the way, this well-meaning advice starts to blur. Boundaries in relationships are complicated. Are we protecting ourselves, or are we pushing people away? That’s where the real question begins: are you setting boundaries, or are you building walls?
Imagine a relationship as a house. Boundaries are like doors and windows—you can see out, let people in when it’s safe, and lock things up when necessary. Walls, though? They’re the bricks we stack to keep others out entirely.
Psychologist Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries, puts it clearly:
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins”.
(Cloud & Townsend, 2017)
Walls, on the other hand, shut down intimacy and connection. They often stem from fear rather than self-respect (Whitfield, 1993).
Boundaries Say “I Love You and Me” – Walls Say “I Don’t Trust You”
One of the most common myths? That boundaries are unkind. In fact, it’s the opposite. Real boundaries are loving because they ensure sustainability. You’re not shutting people out—you’re showing them the way in.
Gene Combs and Jill Freedman (2002) emphasized that healthy relational dynamics rely more on clear agreements and openness than on “psychological barricades.”
Boundaries say:
“I love you, and I also love myself enough to be honest with you.”
Walls say:
“I’m scared of being hurt again, so I’ll push you away before you can.”
Why We Need Boundaries in Relationships?
Boundaries are not just nice—they’re necessary. Without them, relationships become enmeshed or toxic. Studies in interpersonal psychology emphasize that healthy relational boundaries help individuals maintain autonomy while still participating in intimacy (Josselson, 1996). They are rooted in communication, emotional regulation, and mutual respect.
A 2019 study on contact boundaries in romantic relationships found that healthy boundaries promote empathy and reduce conflict by clarifying each partner’s needs and limits (Burduli, 2019).
However, boundaries can be problematic and lead to unexpected results, as we will discuss.
Boundaries Can Lead to Unexpected Intimacies
Have you ever noticed how some friendships unexpectedly turn into relationships? It may seem like the boundaries they set should keep things casual, but those very boundaries can actually help the relationship grow. People often feel safe when they believe their relationship won’t become serious due to differences like relationship status or cultural background. However, these boundaries can create a false sense of security, which might lead to deeper feelings.
As Ryder, Kafka, and Olson (1971) note, courtships often start this way. Obstacles can fuel intimacy, either by making the challenge seem easy to overcome or by intensifying feelings, much like the “Romeo and Juliet effect.” In the end, boundaries don’t always block intimacy—they sometimes make it even stronger.
Boundaries in Relationships Can Backfire!
Boundaries in relationships can be complicated. When set properly, they act as protective walls, keeping outside influences from damaging the connection and maintaining closeness. They function like a shield that secures the relationship. However, as the relationship progresses, especially in milestones like marriage, these same boundaries can begin to feel restrictive. What once provided safety can start to feel like a trap, limiting personal freedom and causing frustration.
The challenge arises from differing perspectives. What feels like a “prison” due to too many restrictions for one person can feel like “safety” for another, providing a stable, secure environment. This difference in how boundaries are perceived can create tension and issues. Overprotective boundaries, in particular, can backfire. While some believe that too much security will only strengthen the relationship, it can actually cause harm over time, leading to a sense of confinement rather than safety.
The 4 Boundaries Realted Facts Everyone Should Know
Ryder & Bartle (1991) point out.
| A false sense of security lets love sneak in | E.g. “We’re just friends” — until you fall in love! |
| Obstacles make love feel stronger | E.g Parents forbid it, so you want it more. |
| Feeling trapped makes people want to escape | E.g “I can’t wait to get out of this marriage.” |
| Feeling safe leads to risky behavior | E.g “My partner is boring, so I’ll have a secret affair.” |
Responsibility for Boundaries Shapes Relationships
Who’s in charge of the boundaries in your relationship? Ryder & Bartle explain there are 3 ways people explain why they’re not closer (or why they can’t get space):
| Who’s Responsible? | What It Sounds Like | Impact |
| Me (First Person) | “I’m not ready.” or “I need space.” | Personal choice sets the limit. |
| You (Second Person) | “You don’t want to talk.” | Blame or frustration arises. |
| Them (Third Person) | “My family wouldn’t approve.” or “Society won’t allow it.” | Feeling like victims of outside forces. |
Love Grows in Stages — And Boundaries Change Along the Way
According to Ryder & Bartle (1991), relationships naturally go through 4 stages:
The Safe Start (Latency)
Early on, boundaries help people relax. Nobody’s scared of getting hurt yet.
The Boundary Struggle (Precommitment)
This is where friends, family, or even your own fears might challenge the relationship. Will you get closer — or back away?
The Commitment Stage
Old boundaries disappear. Now being close is expected. You’re officially “together.”
The Readjustment Phase
The danger here? Feeling stuck. New boundaries show up — but now they’re about preventing separation instead of closeness.
What Happens When Boundaries Turn into Walls?
Boundaries can turn into walls if not managed well, especially after betrayal, trauma, or unresolved conflicts. Instead of saying, “I need time to process this,” we might say, “I’m done.” Rather than teaching others how to treat us, we shut everyone out.
Katherine Mason and her colleagues discussed this idea, pointing out that while boundaries help us navigate relationships, walls can become emotional prisons—built not for safety, but for self-preservation (Mason et al., n.d.).
Carol Gilligan’s research on moral development shows that silence and withdrawal—behaviors often seen as building walls—can be a defense mechanism, especially in women who are socialized to avoid confrontation (Gilligan, 1989).
Strict Boundaries Never Work!
Most therapists agree that having outside contact with a client isn’t just complicated—it’s usually unethical. The belief is that any personal connection outside of therapy could lead to boundary violations, and so they maintain strict limits. This is why therapists often avoid revealing any details about their personal lives or engaging with clients outside of sessions.
The same strictness, however, can be problematic in romantic relationships. If someone sets rigid boundaries, you might be able to tolerate them for a while, but eventually, you’d start to feel like the relationship is going nowhere. People give up on relationships when it’s clear that the boundaries are never going to change.
Why Relationships Often Drift Apart?
Ryder & Bartle (1991) argue that many relationships don’t fall apart because of one big problem — they fade because closeness stops growing.
People start avoiding vulnerability. They stop risking new levels of trust. They get comfortable… but not in a good way.
Ryder & Bartle call this relationship entropy — the natural pull toward emotional distance unless couples actively work against it.
Without attention, love becomes routine — or worse, resentful obligation
How to Differentiate a Wall from a Boundary
Here’s a quick gut check:
- Do you communicate your needs, or expect others to guess them?
- Do you let people in gradually, or do you ghost when things get tough?
- Are you avoiding conflict, or navigating it with respect?
If you answered “yes” to the latter parts, you might be dealing with walls, not boundaries.
How to Tear Down Walls (Without Losing Your Boundaries)
Therapists suggest practicing vulnerability in small steps. Start by naming your feelings without blaming others. As Brown (2010) famously wrote, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.” You can also rehearse boundary-setting in therapy or journaling—build the language before you use it live.
Books like Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud & Townsend, 2009) and Good Boundaries and Goodbyes (TerKeurst, 2022) offer practical tools for identifying when you’re building walls out of fear rather than setting boundaries out of self-love.
The Bottom Line?
Boundaries Are Double-Edged Swords
Boundaries work both ways. They can help love grow — or shut it down.
Sometimes, setting limits makes people feel safer — which actually helps them relax and open up. Other times, obstacles make love feel like an exciting challenge, like Romeo and Juliet fighting against the world.
But boundaries can also trap people. What started as cozy togetherness can end up feeling like prison bars. Think of Madame Bovary — feeling stuck in a boring marriage and sneaking around for adventure.
Boundaries Are Tools — Not Walls
Healthy relationships require boundaries. But these boundaries should shift, flex, and evolve as people get closer.
- In the beginning? Boundaries help create safety.
- In the middle? Boundaries get challenged — and sometimes need to fall.
- In the long-term? Too many boundaries can block connection and lead to loneliness.
References
- Burduli, N. (2019). Contact boundaries in love relationships. Caucasus Journal of Social Sciences.
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
- Combs, G., & Freedman, J. (2002). Relationships, not boundaries. Theoretical Medicine and Bioethics, 23(3), 261–268. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1020847408829
- Gilligan, C. (1989). Mapping the moral domain: New images of self in relationship. CrossCurrents, 39(3), 289–304. Retrieved from [JSTOR link]
- Josselson, R. (1996). The space between us: Exploring the dimensions of human relationships. SAGE Publications.
- Mason, K., Fry, J., & Easton, G. (n.d.). Something there is that doesn’t love a wall. [PDF].
- Ryder, R. G., & Bartle, S. (1991). Boundaries as distance regulators in personal relationships. Family Process, 30(4), 393–406. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1991.00393.x
- Ryder, R. G., Kafka, J. S., & Olson, D. H. (1971). Separating and joining influences in courtship and early marriage. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 41, 450–464.
- TerKeurst, L. (2022). Good boundaries and goodbyes: Loving others without losing the best of who you are. Thomas Nelson.
- Whitfield, C. L. (1993). Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting, and enjoying the self. Health Communications.
